I sit here. Staring at the empty screen. Listening to Frank Sinatra, Beegees, and Luis Miguel. Tears come down my face. All I can think about is the pain I’m causing them. My eyes. Red. My hands. Shaking.
I miss them. A lot.
When people ask me, “Jess, who you live with?” I always respond, “Alone.” And the automatic response is “Omg, that’s so cool. I wish I didn’t have to live with my parents.” But honestly, you don’t understand this pain that has been aching for months now. Its not home sickness. I’ve lived in NY for almost 3 years without them, and it feels like an eternity. I mean, I love being on my own. Shit, I’ve taken care of myself since I was in the 5th grade. But now, it hurts. And it doesn’t only hurt me, it hurts them more. How dumb could I be? How selfish am I? My parents, the ones that took care of me, walked me to school, packed my lunch, took me to the doctor, taught me how to live… I just walk out of their life. They cried as I drove off in my car on my way to New York, and I didn’t shed a tear? I thought my life might be better alone. And now I feel the pain. I hurts. More than you can imagine. More than your first love, more than hearing someone talk shit about you, more than falling from thousands of feet. Shit, I cant even see the fucking screen cause these tears make everything so blurry.
Honestly, it hurts. No one understands.
Well, I don’t really know what more to say but to cherish what you have because honestly you never know what will happen. And stop for a moment, and take a look around. See who you are hurting cause you might be able to change it before it too late.
1 comment:
I suppose it all depends on the type of person you are. Some people don't know one or both of their parents at all. One of my closest friends grew up with his mom and has now been living place to place, whoever will open their homes to him for the past 2 years. I'm sure he misses his mom, but he gets by. It'll prepare you for when you really are on your own.
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